As promised, after my Top 10 Best Moments of E3 2016, let’s talk about some of the shittier bits of garbage that we had to see this year. I don’t expect every single person to agree with me here, but I think this list might be a little more relatable than my best moments, because I know for a fact that Xbox Design Labs is probably the least important thing to like 90% of all gamers. Crucify me. However, I’m pretty sure that this list will also have one or two things that people will get pretty butthurt over and think I’m dumb because “I don’t like ___” but whatever. So, without further adieu, let’s talk about my 10 worst moments of this years E3.
10) Mass Effect: Andromeda trailer is boring
I love Mass Effect, no, I don’t forgive the shitty ending to Mass Effect 3 or anything, but I still loved the game, and the trilogy as a whole, it was an emotional, crazy joyride that I wish that I could experience for the first time again. So it goes without saying that I’ve been waiting for a really serious Mass Effect: Andromeda trailer for quite a while, a very long while. I was EXTREMELY disappointed with what we got, it was like they just decided “Eh, throw something together real quick for the Mass Effect nerds, so we can get back to talking about Madden.” We needed a lot more than what we got in that trailer for the amount of time we’ve spent waiting for some kind of tangible evidence that this game is well into development. It was just so bland and boring and lame, and it felt like a slap in the face to the fans, we deserved a lot more than that.
Also they talked a lot about the art in the game. I don’t care. Show me gameplay, biotics, powers, big guns, something, anything but some dude drawing on his tablet.
I’m still excited for the game, like the trailer hasn’t destroyed my faith in it or anything, and maybe I’m just being a picky brat that’s very used to getting super awesome kickass trailers for the games that I like. I mean, we got the first trailer for Dead Rising 4 this year at E3 as well, and that was freaking awesome, because it gave us exactly what we wanted. I’m sure more stuff will come soon, but for an E3 trailer, EA could have done a lot better with Andromeda.
9) Madden, stalling for Battlefield 1, Madden
Oh, EA, when will you learn that people don’t go to E3 to hear about sports games, we know they’re coming, we know that the graphics will be “better”, and we know you’ll add a couple super minor new features. I think the best little bit about your Madden fetish this year was that one Madden player that broke his arm before the tournament who you made look like a complete idiot by dragging him out there. Good on ya, guys. Also, apologies to whoever that guy was, I can’t imagine the supreme awkwardness that must’ve ensued with that whole situation. If you wanted to talk about all your sports games in a different show, that would be cool, but when you’re using them to pad out time and stall until it’s time to show a game we actually want, like Battlefield 1, that’s not cool. They must’ve mentioned Battlefield a half a dozen times in between showing us crappy ME stuff and Madden and Fifa junk, we don’t care. Please, in future years, just make some kind of different show, or leave your show for non-sports related stuff, I’d rather you pad out time with ANYTHING besides sports games.
8) Everything about Star Wars: Battlefront
Battlefront 2 is already being made? Did we not learn anything about slamming Star Wars games together like they’re part of some assembly line first-person shooter? Is Battlefront going to be the next Call of Duty or Assassin’s Creed where you guys just shit one out every year and a half or two years, with a couple different guns and some new heroes? I would have rather they just walked out on the stage and publicly apologized for charging $50 for their bullshit season pass which is all stuff that should be on the fucking disc.
Then when it comes time to talk about the current Battlefront game, they cough up a short trailer about the new DLC (more money, please) and act like that’s enough, it was nothing special, nothing we weren’t expecting, they did the bare minimum when it came to talking about the game. I will say that it was nice to hear that the Force Awakens stuff will be in Battlefront 2 but I mean if that’s the only reason that they’re going to make a new one, is to fit one movie’s worth of stuff into the same game we already have… Well I’d pay for that as DLC if you refund me for my season pass. So far the crap on the season pass hasn’t been worth diddly dick and just goes to show even further that EA could care less about the Battlefront fanbase.
7) No Sunset Overdrive 2 announcement
Come on, Microsoft/Insomniac Games, I need more Sunset Overdrive in my life, I need hard evidence, I need a teaser, I need a picture, I need something, please, I’m throwing my money at you. Sunset Overdrive is still my absolute favorite Xbox One game to this point, I loved it so much, everything about it was just so over-the-top crazy fun and amazing, it was everything I wanted and needed it to be. That being said, It’s now been approaching 2 year since it came out, and I need more, I need more grinding, I need more bouncing, I need more exploding teddy bears. E3 2015 was too early to announce anything because the last DLC for the game had just come out so I wasn’t expecting anything back then. It’s halfway through 2016 now and I’m getting nervous that the game might not get a sequel because we just haven’t really gotten anything concrete about it. I mean, perhaps this just means that they’re spending extra super-long on the game and it’s just gonna blow my brain out my ass with how amazing it’s going to be. I’ll hold onto that thought but at the same time be grumpy and pissy about the fact that we didn’t get a trailer this year.
6) Skyrim Remastered (I don’t care)
Ohhhh unpopular opinion is unpopular who gives a shit. I liked Skyrim. I loved Skyrim. For a very long time, it was the only game I played, I explored the ever-loving shit out of that game and nearly 100% completed it before the first DLC ever came out. Then, the first real DLC came out, and it was meh, between vampires and werewolves, it seemed kind of uninspired, not very exciting. Yeah, I could get a crossbow now, and the vampire powers were kind of cool, but the story itself was whatever, characters were forgettable, it was like they didn’t take any of the really cool stuff from the main game to put in this DLC.
Then the second major one, Dragonborn came out and it sounded like a really cool idea, going into trippy worlds inside books and going toe-to-toe with another Dragonborn. I mean, nothing else in the realm of Skyrim was a true match for you, besides someone with the same powers as you, and then the DLC came out. Boring. Boring. Boring. The sequences inside the books were dumb and tedious and it was easy to get lost in the puke-green world, riding a dragon was underwhelming, and the final boss was dumb. You don’t even actually get to kill the other Dragonborn yourself, you get his health down low and then the game just kinda takes it from there and it’s stupid and it feels like the game doesn’t want you to play it. I wanted to like impale him with a sword or shout so hard that his body vaporizes as I absorb all of the dragon souls that he had inside him, THAT would be cool.
Now, we’re getting a remaster of the game, a game that came out 5 years ago, and the only things that are different about it is that the graphics are slightly different, we get the DLC, and console gamers can now get mods. Whatever. I am absolutely not paying money to play through Skryim again, there’s not part of the Remastered edition that is worth the money, especially if you don’t care about the mods or already have the PC version. I want Elder Scrolls VI, not Elder Scrolls V mk. 2, It’s been long enough, Bethesda, it’s time to move on past Skyrim.
5) Another Ubisoft Tom Clancy co-op open-world shooter: Ghost Recon Wildlands
See: The Divison
4) No Kingdom Hearts III
Okay, Kingdom Hearts II came out in 2005, Square Enix, come on, now, I know you had to release like 87 prequels and side-stories and an in-betweener game to bridge the time between 2 and 3, that was weird. I know that your goal is to set up the most complicated story in all of gaming, but… come on… stop playing this Half-Life bullshit with us. I mean, I’m not saying that I haven’t played literally every game in the series, but I digress, I want Kingdom Hearts III, no more HD Remixes or any of that, please… just finish it, please.
3) Bethesda jerking themselves off on stage
Yes, Bethesda, Fallout 4 won a shitload of awards, it was a pretty good game, you don’t need to tell us how great it was, let’s get back to talking about literally anything else. It was like 2 or 3 times that they would just pad out their show by being like “Yeah, remember that game that we made that was pretty good? Let’s talk about all the cool awards we’ve gotten instead of talk about shit that you actually wanna hear, aren’t we cool?” Yeah, guys, we get it, you’re cool, and you made cool stuff, but if you could reserve the ego-massaging for social media or something, that would be totally great. I’m not discrediting their whole show because of this or anything, but it was just something I found kind of annoying, I know they don’t usually do E3, and I’m glad to see them there, but, still, c’mon, don’t get all EA on us.
2) Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare (They just ain’t learning from that first trailer)
I mean, somehow, they thought that it would still be a good idea to waste precious E3 time on more shit about Call of Duty: Infinite Garbage. Nobody wants this game, CoD fans don’t even want this game. The developer that essentially breathed life into Call of Duty with the first Modern Warfare, may be the one that effectively kills it with Infinite Warfare. With almost 3 million dislikes on the release trailer, the gameplay trailers for multiplayer are following in the same footsteps, no one gives a shit about it, it’s dumb, it’s played out, it’s the same shit, it’s the 13th Call of Duty. We are tired of this.
Assassin’s Creed is taking a gap year, and no one is giving them crap about it, are you telling me that Activision can’t take the hint and just give it a rest for a year? Is the earth going to split open and unleash the demons from Doom upon us? Just take a good, long look at yourself, Call of Duty, and think about what you really want, do you want to satiate players and be a good quality game that lasts longer than a year? Or do you want to be a sleazy sack of shit and just make money?
1) Ubisoft is not a company run by humans. They are aliens. They do not know what an E3 is.
Aisha Tyler sucks at speaking to crowds. Maybe she’s good one-on-one, but my god she is just the most annoying and ear-grating person to have to listen to when she tries to talk about ANYTHING on stage. She’s cringe-worthy and awful and all at the same time boring to listen to, like the worst possible combination of all things, not only are you painful to listen to, but the pain isn’t even worth it, nothing good comes out of it. Eagle Flight was annoying to watch because I had to listen to stupid stock eagle sound effects that wouldn’t stop, they were incessant and annoying, and embarrassing to watch people play it. I swear the one dude on the far right didn’t even have his headset plugged in, he was just flailing his head around like a drunk chimp.
I already mentioned that Wildlands looks like another train wreck waiting to happen, and Trials of the Blood Dragon looks like.. I don’t even know what it looks like. It looks like the people behind the Trials games had some kind of crazy fever-dream after playing Far Cry: Blood Dragon and thought that it would be a great idea for a Trials game. Just because you have the rights to two different games, does not mean that they should come together, at all. Ubisoft is like the out-of-touch aunt that doesn’t get how to make fun, complete videogames, they see other games that have come out and they’re like “Oh, people are buying that game? Well we can do that but in a different way that makes it better!” No, Ubisoft, you cannot do that, you need to come up with your own ideas, good ideas, and not just sequels, or more Tom Clancy games. D for effort, must try harder.
Now, again, these are just my personal worst parts of the show, I know not everyone feels the same, and I’m sure some of my worst moments were other people’s best moments. I still very much enjoyed most of what I heard this year in terms of E3 news, I thought it was a pretty good show, but no E3 is without its crappy moments. So thank you for reading, if you made it this far, and if you didn’t make it this far, well, hey, at least you clicked the link, I hope.
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