Not Really Listicle: The Top 5 Best, Most Amazing Things About Assassin’s Creed Syndicate

1) It has Lahndan in it

Assassin's Creed Syndicate


Where could be better than London as a setting for a videogame? Nowhere of course! London has it all. Streets filled with mothers slowly killing their children with gin, seedy opium dens filled with the highest and lowest members of society, a shit-filled river providing a place for drunks to piss into and of course Big Ben, the 23 stone workshop and loom factory owner who definitely is not a pedophile. Syndicate’s London may not be a perfect recreation of Victorian London but it captures the essence of what a shit-hole London (or any urban location in the UK) is.

2) It’s the Assassins Creed you all know and love

Assassin's Creed Syndicate

Why would you want something new and fresh when you can just keep doing the same thing over and over again? Well you wouldn’t. It’s fucking genius, just look at the overwhelming success of Call of Duty. Personally I love it, the familiar feeling of knowing exactly how things work, a sort of dull and predictable routine, yet strangely comforting in that you don’t have to think too hard about it, like the sex your parents have.

3) Bugs

Up to four players can get down on the action.

Really this could be part of number 2, but the bugs in Syndicate will just be so amazing. You’ll laugh hard when you see the AI try and navigate around the game world with all the competence of a cat with its head stuck in a box. The bugs really are one of the best things about the AC franchise, but it’ll be a shame if Ubisoft didn’t carry over the hilarious (and most fan requested) ‘missing skin texture’ glitch that was the jewel in Unity’s crown. With Halloween around the corner it would have made great timing.

4) St Paul’s dome

Assassin's Creed Syndicate

So Syndicate seems like a direct response from all the negativity last year over the lack of female characters, both playable and non-playable. It features Evie as one of its dual protagonists and also has you fighting female combatants to boot. So women, Ubisoft has you covered. Fear not my often ignored or sidelined red blooded male friends as Ubisoft has catered towards your depraved needs by faithfully modeling St Paul’s cathedral and its massive boob-shaped dome for you to clamber all over. You can even fondle and caress its golden nipple as you marvel at how wonderful boobs are. Thanks Ubisoft!

5) Moustaches & Bowler hats

Assassin's Creed Syndicate

Face fuzz is timeless, a visit to any Apple store over the last decade would have shown you as much. Being served by a grinning, cardboard cut-out fuck is part of the finest experience of shopping for overpriced technology in the modern world. Syndicate’s Victorian London is one giant Apple store. There is gang after gang of generic mustache wearing goons to shred through. Well actually you just constantly block until you are afforded an opportunity to attack and the whole thing would be a dull affair if it wasn’t for the bowler hats perched on their heads like upturned chamber pots. It’s so British, so gentlemanly and complements the moustaches perfectly. I mean Christ you really could be in London, really stabbing the mustached twat in the face whilst uttering “Good day to you Sir”. You really are an assassin, it’s so brilliant it hurts, more games need to put this deadly combo of bowler hats and moustaches together. Now go and liberate the children from Big Ben, err I mean poverty.


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James Payne

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