Pittsburgh, PA Is Under Attack From Ninjas!

Whoever thought that the way of the Ninja died many years ago is dead wrong.  The top secret clan of martial arts wielding assassins who dress in black and do some real sneaky sh*t are alive in well.  In fact, they’ve been spotted in Pittsburgh doing some very unninja-like things such as leaving their babies unattended, and smashing out car windows with their katanas.

Santonio Guzzo, a local Pittsburgher, managed to stumble upon the Ninja smashing car windows (Nailed 11 of them) and confronted him.  After said Ninja tried to stab Guzzo, he pulled out the great equalizer when it comes to combating those warriors who are trained in martial arts, which is a good old-fashioned pistol.  Upon seeing that Guzzo wasn’t up for f*cking around the Ninja bailed albeit in a Non-Ninja-like way.  Guzzo said that this bozo looked like, “a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion” rather than someone skilled in the ways of the Ninja.  It’s safe to say that Guzzo didn’t happen upon one of Sub-Zero’s clan mates.

The odd thing about this story is that this isn’t the first Ninja sighting in Pittsburgh this month.  Two weeks prior to Guzzo busting the car Ninja, Police picked up a man about an hour south of the Burgh for being out at 130AM “pretending to be a ninja”.  I wonder what pretending to be a Ninja entails?  Do you think he had some sh*tty K-mart Halloween costume on doing some nonathletic jump kicks and Ninja punches?  Maybe he was banging around some plastic nun-chucks from his youth?  The only disturbing thing about this Ninja story is that this one left his 4 year-old son by himself back at his secret lair.  Doesn’t he know that even Ninja kids have to be watched over?  What the hell is going on in Pittsburgh these days?  You’re not entirely surprised by the fact that the Steel City has a Ninja problem…


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Matt Heywood

The author Matt Heywood

Matt Heywood is the founder and EIC of where he strives to make you a better geek, one post at a time! When he’s not scouring the Internet for interesting nuggets of awesomeness he can be found in his secret lair enjoying the latest and greatest video games, taking pictures of toys, or talking Star Wars on EB’s Star Wars Time podcast show.